Mental health in the pandemic

It may not surprise you to learn that pandemics generally aren’t the best for us. Depression and anxiety like things like control, stability, people we can trust, a little bit of change (at our own pace when we get to decide what is changing), and routine.

Enter March 2020 and the pandemic. Aka no control, zero stability, all the people we can trust being taken away from us and so much change you can hardly keep up. Is it any wonder that those of us with existing mental health conditions are not exactly loving life right now?

I’m currently working through my second lot of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and it’s pretty helpful. A lot of it is about breathing properly, relaxing, sleep issues, etc. With some fun exercises (including a visualisation one which involves a forest which I LOVE). But this particular program has also been put together in response to the pandemic and deals with issues like control (aka what do I do about the fact that I was one of two wearing a mask on my bus? How do I know where all of my housemates have been? What if my friends hug someone who has it? What if I accidentally break the rules? What if people I see hate all the rules? You get the picture). It’s very useful and if you’d like some ideas then do feel free to message me. But the most helpful thing I’ve been doing outside of cbt (which by the way is provided by the incredible NHS), is to read my bible and pray. I can’t control this virus! I can’t control what’s next. I have zero idea about what the immediate future/ the rest of this year looks like. I feel like I’ve had a little bit of a head start over many people as I’ve been practicing the art of taking each day as it comes, one day at a time, for years… and yet I still long to plan and get so sad when my plans are cancelled!

But the brilliant thing about being a Christian is that God knows all of this! He knows how much I love to plan and how frustrated I get when I can only make plans a week in advance. He knows how anxious I get about friends travelling here, there and everywhere and he knows the stress that I feel from my commute and the conflict that sometimes brings. Jesus has gone through every single emotion that this pandemic can and will produce and still died for me. This means that whatever next week produces and however the rest of this year pans out, I can still totally and utterly trust him. As the writer of psalm 119 puts it:

“You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word.” (Psalm 119:114)

100 days of lockdown

It sounds like the title of a film doesn’t it? Or the name of a band. I think I would probably have to describe it as the title of a horror film or as a good friend of mine described it, a nightmare. In the UK, lockdown is coming to a vague sort of ending on Saturday with most things opening up. I’ve been keeping a thankfulness diary since day one and I will probably go from daily to weekly diary entries in reduced lockdown. But we will still be mostly working from home and there will still be a lot of restrictions. I’m hoping and praying that July might mean that the government allows me to escape to Wales for a long weekend but this does provide a great opportunity to look back with thankfulness.

So to sum up I am thankful for: housemates. Reunited once again, I’m so thankful for each and every one. They have made lockdown bearable and for that I am eternally grateful. I’m praying this might be our only lockdown as a house but I’m thankful for our shared meals, laughter, joy and friendship and the way we have grown in our love for each other as we have spent so much time together. Thank you all for loving me, loving Jesus and helping me get through. Also thank you for loving food!

I’m also thankful for everything I’ve taken up. For yoga (turns out stretching after a run is beneficial), for cooking and trying out new recipes, for jigsaws. And for the things that I’ve kept or retaken up: playing the flute, baking brownies and of course running. I’m thankful for the psalms and for the Lord sustaining me. I’m so thankful for church family and all of my amazing friends- who sent flowers, biscuits, chocolate and much more in the post to life me on dark days. Lockdown has sucked for my mental health and I’m so thankful for the NHS but I’m also so thankful to all of you!

Last, as always, I am so thankful to Jesus. I couldn’t have done lockdown without him.

“When the race is complete, still my lips shall repeat, yet not I but Christ in me.”

The Lord of lockdown… is enough for me.

It’s day 91 of lockdown in the UK. Yes day 91 of being convinced that I should be staying at home as much as possible and still having everything I loved in March closed. A few weeks ago I felt like I needed to come up with a new word for how tired living in a pandemic is. Tired doesn’t seem to do it justice anymore. Sleep is still a battle and mostly filled with nightmares when it does come. Tears fill my eyes most days and not just at the pandemic. The world is a mess and my heart hurts a lot.

My head is exhausted too. I can’t explain quite how it’s working- I have been desperate to return to Wales (basically since the government said that I couldn’t) and yet I don’t want to see mass groups. Actually I don’t even want little groups. We have been able to meet in groups of 6 for a few weeks now- pre lockdown I would have loved this. Now- I’m still not sure. I’m happy with seeing two other people, maybe three at a push. But five others? No thank you.

I now go to the office once a week and whilst it’s getting much easier due to familiarity and face masks being compulsory on public transport, I still struggle with sleep the night before and still feel fairly drained afterwards. I miss so much – I’m aware of how many of my dearest friends don’t live either a) within running distance or b) in London and I have lost count of the number of babies that I’m yet to meet, children I haven’t yet seen in 2020 and weddings that need to be postponed or cancelled. As a planner I’m now learning to make plans a couple of days in advance. I haven’t opened my diary since mid March. I keep having to pray “Lord, make me content and help me have the strength for today.“

But you know what the greatest thing about lockdown is? The Lord. He is the Lord of the universe. And the Lord of time. He was the Lord of my life when I was doing three cities in a week (another reason why lockdown has hit me so hard) and he is the Lord of my life now I basically know my little area like the back of my hand. He knows how much longer. He sees and counts my tears. He hears my griefs, my laments, my sadness, my despair and my disappointment. The Bible says that he is enough – and that he daily hears my burdens. He gives me enough grace for each day- and that is all that I need.

He is the Lord of lockdown- and He is enough for me.

Returning to the office in lockdown

Yesterday was a fairly big day for me and probably explains why I am already exhausted at 8.18am. I decided, with the approval of my boss, that enough was enough and that it was time to try heading back to the office. I had decided this for three reasons:

1. I had endured but definitely not enjoyed 12.5 weeks of working from home. Prior to this the longest I had ever worked from home was an afternoon. I am not a fan at all- I had grown to enjoy and use my commute well for the most part, I love my work colleagues and I really appreciated having work at work and home at home and not mixing the two.

2. The rates are low in London now. Yes I know you can’t trust all the numbers but I can trust my friends in the NHS who assure me that their crazy working times have come to an end and that they are now seeing patients with everything else, not just Coronavirus. Colleagues of mine who had taken public transport had assured me it was quiet and that with a mask I would be fine.

3. The biggest reason: my mental health. I still cannot believe how well God is sustaining me in this pandemic. But I have had nightmares since about the 12th March and I have struggled. Running, praying, the psalms, wonderful church family and great friends have helped. But I reasoned that (with the help of friends that I’ve seen / spoken to recently) that one way in which lockdown was so hard was that it was so sudden. And to try and get my brain to cope with a full week of work in the office at the same time as everyone else going back to work seemed a nightmare. So I decided that I would be kinder to my brain and try one day a week for the rest of the month, then two in July and so on, depending on how sustainable it was. It’s like my own easing myself out of lockdown plan. Which is funnily enough way clearer than the government’s.

So yesterday I set off for work. I had a mask. I left at 9 to avoid rush hour. The roads were quiet and the bus was maybe a fifth full, maybe less. The DLR was quiet too though sadly the section where you’d usually sit to pretend you’re driving was blocked off (we all do it, don’t pretend otherwise). What I hadn’t bargained for was the amount of mental energy the commute would take (why isn’t everyone wearing masks?! Where do I sit?! Is she/he unwell?! Where do I get off again?!) and by the time I got into the office I was elated but exhausted and my lovely receptionist got me an emergency coffee. And chocolate.

Being back was wonderful. I used to go into my colleagues’ room and look out over the city and pray- I had really missed that. I had missed my colleagues and two of them were in. I missed their banter and joyful interactions. I had a wonderful lunch with one of them and then at 3.45 I headed home and repeated the fun mind games of the morning.

When I got into bed last night I was completely knackered and felt very flat. Very kind friends encouraged me that this was to be expected and to not expect myself to just adjust back to normality. There had been a lot of build up with me deciding when to go, getting my boss’s approval and then going. There had been a whole host of emotions- extreme highs in the office combined with severe anxiety in the early hours of the morning before. No wonder I was tired. And so I am now staying at home for the rest of the week to recover. But so thankful to God for keeping me going and for such wonderful colleagues that make being away so hard! I’m looking forward to next Monday already (once I’ve had some more sleep).

Lockdown.. the saga continues

Today marks day 47 of lockdown. My first thought is always that I’m very thankful that I chose to start a thankfulness journal the week before lockdown started (when I started working from home and realised I would soon start complaining a lot!) as I am very aware of how long it’s been and also what day it is which is a bit of a luxury in this current climate.

So today is Saturday, it’s a bank holiday weekend and once again we are all staying at home. There are of course huge challenges to lockdown. My head feels like it’s about to explode most days and I can’t remember the last morning that I woke up and hadn’t had weird dreams/ nightmares/ cried and asked the Lord to stop all of this. (My dreams of late have actually involved me escaping- first to Australia, then to Germany. I think my dream self needs to aim lower in its travel plans).

There’s no denying it: lockdown is hard and the longer it goes on the harder it gets. I have my coping strategies- in the uk we are still allowed to exercise once a day and I relish my runs so much. I am reading a lot of books- set in different places and times and they are brilliant for providing escapism and making a day go fast. And I’m sure once lockdown is over that I might long for a day where I have the luxury of reading a book and not squeezing in my reading time on my commute. If anyone wants recommendations, I have plenty. I am so thankful- more than I can say- to still have two housemates around who provide much joy, laughter and excellent company and I honestly think I couldn’t do this without them. Plus they let me cook for them and let me tell you lockdown has increased my cooking ability/ desire a lot. (And saved me a lot of £).

But for every blessing there are still many hard things and one of the joys about being a Christian is that I can be completely honest with God and yet rejoicing that he knows, cares and hears. I miss church family SO much. I miss singing together. I miss laughing and crying together. I miss my biological family. I miss my colleagues and the banter and love there. And I miss so many friends. People who before this I couldn’t imagine going two months without seeing. There’s this strange dichotomy with NHS staff/ key workers/ anyone still having to work going flat out and working harder than ever and the rest of us being so frustrated that our work is now at home. I have days where I’m so productive I am amazed that I can get so much done at home and days where the exact opposite is true.

But there is hope always and there is much joy. From friends who record their morning bird song and provide me with a little education into the bird world, to friends who make delicious cocktails and give us tutorials on them (yes my friends are legends), to those who send parcels in the post and postcards and flowers. To those who run along my canal and call out hello to me. To all those wonderful socially distant VE celebrations from yesterday with so much beautiful bunting and cake.

So to end a rather long post, I think I’m thankful but also sad – and after being a Christian for almost 15 years I think that’s ok. It’s always a tension to hold the promises of the future with the realities of the present. I can hear the beautiful bird song but the sirens are also screaming. I don’t know what if any changes will come tomorrow. But I do know that I will still be trusting in the lord- sorrowful yet rejoicing.

Last night a DJ saved my life …

Well not quite. But it was Friday in lockdown and so that means dance night (virtually) via zoom with my friends. And dancing “together” definitely helps with the lockdown blues. As we finish week 5, I wanted to write down some reflections. I trust that this too will pass and one day in the future I will look back and want to see what I learnt- about myself, about life, but most importantly about God.

This week has definitely felt harder than all other weeks. I had noticed that once a week I felt very bad about lockdown in a “Lord this needs to end now!” kind of way. I never beat myself up for feeling this way- suffering is horrid, pandemics are awful and lockdown is terrible for mental health. I expect to have a little breakdown at least once a week. Except this week my sadness of Tuesday was aggravated on Wednesday when my summer plans were cancelled, which completely broke me. Three days later and I’m still feeling blue about it all although there is always much to be thankful for. I know dear friends are struggling more and more as lockdown goes on. Please know that I am praying for you. There have been some things that have helped me during this time and so here they are:

1. From social media (Instagram to be precise): “ You are not working from home. You are staying safe at home, during a pandemic, trying to do work.” Does work feel more frustrating, less productive and harder than usual? Well this might help. I think if I was anywhere during a pandemic trying to do work I would be struggling. The fact that we are stuck at home does not help. There has been plenty of work for me to do and that is wonderful but on the days when I find it so difficult to focus, I know exactly why. Give yourself a break. (As a side note, if you like dogs then “dogs working from home” is a brilliant follow for some lighthearted relief).

2. From a dear friend yesterday: “It’s such a comfort to be real about the suck and still be able to help each other point to Jesus without it feeling like a brush off of the actual suckiness.” Otherwise known as life is really sucky right now. For literally everyone. In different degrees, but sucky all the same. I know- I’m British and as guilty as anyone of saying “I am fine” but actually now is not the time for pretending we are fine. I have been pretty honest with people which is helping and vice versa. Struggling to be productive? Me too. Wanting to escape your corner of the world? Me too. Longing to see other people? Snap. But Jesus thankfully knows all this and is with us in it. He went through the wilderness – 40 days of it- and then suffered more than any of us ever will on the cross in agony, torment and isolation. He gets it. Be honest about how sucky this is and turn to him. And please feel free to say you’re not fine.

3. From the Bible. I always like to let God have the last word, since one day he will have the absolute last word. I’ve been in the psalms in lockdown because they’re very helpful! (Most of them start with Lord hear my cry or Lord answer me followed by how hard life is and yet trusting in the Lord. Sounds familiar right?!). I am in psalm 18 (I didn’t start them right at the start of lockdown) and I will leave you with verses 1-2. However the rest of lockdown goes, my prayer is that you can come to know Jesus more.

“I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭18:1-2.

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Living life in lockdown: four weeks in.

So we have been in this lockdown life for four weeks. In many ways, I feel like it’s getting easier but maybe I’m just getting more used to the fact that this is life now (and am eating a lot of food to cope). This week has been wonderful and strange- a dear friend of mine got married (in Uganda!!!) and we all zoomed in to her ceremony at home with bible readings, songs, speeches and prayers. It was such an incredible joy to see her so happy, congratulations Mrs Muluuta!

There are of course other joys during this time. Dear friends of mine have had babies and that is such a joyful reminder of new life. If you need more good news I highly recommend SGN- and defy you not to cry when you see the nurses doing their victory dances each time someone leaves hospital having beaten COVID19. It is truly remarkable to see. And there was that 99 year old who raised 12 million for the NHS by walking round his garden- absolutely incredible. And of course our PM is now back home and on the mend.

And yet of course we are still living in a pandemic. For every story of joy there are many stories of grief and sadness and even despair. I now know friends who have got it quite badly and so we are praying and waiting to see whether their bodies will have done enough to fight it off. Another friend passed away from cancer about 3 weeks ago and her funeral yesterday couldn’t have her family attend. This virus is horrid and evil and I know so many medic friends who are completely exhausted – and who are now treating patients who were colleagues last week.

And so at this time I’ve been basing myself in the psalms. There’s 150 of them so I’m figuring that will cover lockdown and beyond. I was reading psalm 8 the other day- and I will quote it below and leave you to think on it. It’s marvelous- the God whose name is majestic in all the earth cares for us. He’s mindful of our ways. He hears our prayers and our cries. Whether it’s joy for a new baby or sadness at death, he listens. May it bring you much comfort today.

“Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!

You have set your glory in the heavens. Through the praise of children and infants you have established a stronghold against your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger.

When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them?

You have made them a little lower than the angels and crowned them with glory and honor. You made them rulers over the works of your hands; you put everything under their feet: all flocks and herds, and the animals of the wild, the birds in the sky, and the fish in the sea, all that swim the paths of the seas.

Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭8:1-9‬

Lockdown … the lessons so far

It’s been … 9 days since you looked at me. Physically. You know face to face. Not from behind a screen. Nine days. Only nine days!!! And having had the surreal experience of seeing my future in my friends in France and Spain last night (they’re a week ahead in this lockdown malarkey) , I thought now would be a good time to share what I’ve learnt.

1. The main reason this is so hard is not because I am an extrovert. No. The reason this is so hard is that I am a sinner (the extrovertedness doesn’t help but it is not the problem here). I want to go where I want, when I want, using the mode of transport that I want. I love my house and I love the canal. I am so thankful that we can still leave for exercise and I am so thankful for my balcony and patio. But boy do I want to escape and everything in me wants to throw a hissy fit. And this is because I have been a rebel since birth. By God’s grace I have been brought back into right relationship with him and by his strength I’m able to cope, just about with lockdown (I pray hourly for help/ tell him that I can’t do this). My anxiety has taken a hit because I am definitely not in control, but thankfully I know the one who is!

2. I have never been so thankful to be able to escape the house each day. You may think we have it strict in the uk. Nope. Not yet anyway. And until we do I will run, whilst social distancing, and take pictures of every single beautiful flower/sunset/ canal in sight.

3. Lockdown is keeping me in better touch with my friends. I had belated birthday drinks online with my friends last night and will be having an online dance party again this week. Church has gone online but I’m in better contact with church family than before and we now have a weekly quiz! All reminders that in this madness we are not alone.

4. Work is still going on…and on…and on! Yes funnily enough the gospel is NOT chained by lockdown and the Holy Spirit is as my leader put it outrageously ignoring all social distancing and powerfully at work in our lives! I’m so encouraged by people praying, churches supporting and loving their partners and by the way that I can see God using even this time to make me more like Jesus. Mostly by making me patient…

And so there we go. I am sure that in another 9 days I will have a whole host of other thoughts. And the world will have completely changed again. To all who are still working in whatever capacity- thank you. We love you.

Rejoice always… even at this time

What. A. Week.

In the last week I’ve gone from running a half marathon, to not being able to meet as a church, to not being able to see people face to face who aren’t my housemates. Zoom has become my new best friend after Jesus. I’m learning lots about my sin- as predicted I absolutely hate working from home and each time I try to pray and tell myself it will be ok a part of me wants to cry and stomp my feet in protest. Which actually if we do go into lockdown (when rather than if) will be a very effective way of getting my steps in.

When I knew that I would be working from home for the foreseeable future I decided that I would start a thankfulness journal. First two days- very easy. By day three I was struggling. As the weeks go on I’m sure I will find it harder and harder as suffering hits closer to home and grief at this broken world follows. There’s a lot of things that I miss. I miss not being anxious about how close people are to me- whether when I’m out running or in the supermarket. I miss not fighting the temptation to check the news constantly. I miss my friends and family and singing with my church. I miss being able to buy eggs easily.

But there’s still much to learn and to be thankful for. I haven’t yet learnt it all- and I know lockdown will bring even more lessons. One of our mission partners in Italy has shared really well about it here: https://www.crosslinks.org/people-and-places/europe/blog/2020/03/how-to-survive-and-thrive-in-lockdown/.

But for now : in terms of thankfulness currently I am glad for friends checking up on me, FaceTime “coffees”, lunches and everything else, sleep when it comes, the fact that psalm 121 is becoming more and more real as I trust in the God who is in control to let me sleep, the encouragement of meeting my bible study group online and my lovely caring housemates and how we are learning community together. I’m thankful that God is exposing my pride and humbling me, and I’m thankful that I really can cast all my anxieties on him.

Ours is not the way of fear (living a life of light in troubling times)

At the start of the year my heart went out to the brothers and sisters that I have in China who were living in light of Coronavirus. As the months have gone on, little did I know that soon I would be praying for friends in Italy, then France and probably soon the uk.

As many know, my mental health has not always been smooth sailing and I have to work quite hard to achieve a balance. Running, praying, medication, seeing friends, sleeping etc all help to keep my anxiety levels low and depression at bay. The thought of lockdown like my dear friends in Italy petrifies me.

And yet, because of Jesus, I know that the life to choose is one of faith and not fear. Not because I’m deluded, or wanting to wish it all away (though I would love it to disappear), but because Jesus has promised he’s in charge of the future and because he’s conquered the grave, meaning I don’t need to fear death. I can have hope- solid, firm, genuine, unshakeable hope that doesn’t mean I have to bury my head in the sand but means I can have confidence that whatever happens next, Jesus is in control and God is using all things to make me like him. A few ways he’s doing this currently include making me pray more, confronting my pride, making me depend on him and humbling me and exposing my selfish nature so that I rely on Jesus’ finished work on the cross alone for my salvation.

I know that living in these times is scary. And I know that anxiety doesn’t listen to reason and so each day I have to pray and choose to have faith rather than fear, regardless of the anxiety that I feel. But I also know that as a Christian it makes no sense to fear.

I am always so happy to share my faith so if you’re struggling and would like to chat more, please do message me! And please do keep pointing me to Jesus. I will try to do likewise.