What a difference a week makes…

So this week is going down in the life of helen as the least fun week ever. Seriously. If you are a blog follower but not a Facebook friend then let me enlighten you.
To start with, I got sick. And I mean properly sick, not just I’ve got a cold and feel a bit sorry for myself sick. No, I went to bed feeling fine on Tuesday night, convinced that I would get up at a reasonable hour on Wednesday to go on a run. Well that plan was quickly changed by the fact that I did wake up early on Wednesday but at the insane early time of 1.45 am with only one thought: “I need to be sick. Now.”

And I thought that would be it. But no, time passed and at 6.30 am I was still throwing up. Fun. I then had to work 8 hours with the three that I nanny for (which actually turned out to be just one which was a dream and I spent the day throwing up/ sleeping). I couldn’t even keep water down. It was horrific. But thankfully it came on as soon as it left and so I thought the worst part of my week was over.

Or so I thought.

Then today, I got called into the head teacher’s office. Now whilst this is petrifying as a child, it’s just as scary as an adult. Yesterday the head told me that I was a bit too strict for their school (they have a very specific way of doing things) and I seemed stressed and I had 10 days to change and convince her otherwise. So off I went to school, relishing the challenge. However today things had changed over night and it had been decided that I would be let go today. Having never been fired before in my life, this feeling was totally new and with it came a whole load of insecurity flooding in. When you choose to leave a job you feel (rightly or wrongly) that you’re a bit more in charge of your own destiny. But today I worked my last day (unknowingly at the time), then went home and cried (and rang my mum). At the end of the most mentally exhausting week I couldn’t quite believe it had happened, but it had.

So there you are. In a week ive gone from healthy nursery school teacher to sickly and without a job. However, all is not a complete loss. I still have a few things much to be thankful for. I still have the girls that I nanny for who never fail to make me smile with their bluntness and wittiness. Their parents are very lovely and the flat where I live is very cute and a grand total of a 10 second walk from work. My church is still wonderful, still faithfully preaching the gospel week in week out and I’ve got my first ladies’ brunch is tomorrow. I’ve still got lovely dear friends in Paris and I’ve got wonderful friends in the uk and elsewhere who I’ve had the joy of keeping up with thanks to the amazing invention of Skype. My parents have always and will always be incredibly supportive and I’m so blessed and thankful to have them as my parents. I have my health back and I have the weekend to celebrate a dear friend’s birthday as well to study the bible with women from my church. These are precious blessings and privileges that cannot be taken away. And most of all, I have my salvation which can never be taken away, no matter what life throws away (or death for that matter). So as I enter into this time of unknown and not really knowing what to do I know I can trust God completely. As I learnt the news of being fired today my first thought was such relief in how good and gracious and sovereign my God is. My heart might ache with disappointment and it is a blow to my pride but as a great friend reminded me today, God cares so much about me that he uses everything to make me like his son, even firing.

So there you are. I’m looking forward to more time to run, Skype, write letters, having a normal amount of laundry to do, not having to clean up sick and wee every day and not having “the wheels on the bus/ un éléphant qui se balançait” mash up in my head every day)!. And I guess watch this space to see what happens next….

Until next time
Helen

Don’t go fishing!!!

As I’m sure I’ve said before (though maybe I haven’t so please forgive my assumption), I blog mostly to remind myself of the truth and what’s important. It’s just very lovely that it encourages other people too. So on that note; here is this week’s blog post.

The other day I spent most of the day dwelling. By that I don’t mean that I had the odd fleeting thought: no, I was fixated throughout the day. And then on Monday I saw a photo. And it just made the dwelling worse. It doesn’t matter what the photo was of, the point is what happened next. And what happened next is that the dwelling intensified. Feelings of guilt, judgement, insecurity and shame all flooded in and wouldn’t budge.
So what was I dwelling on to make me feel like this?:

The past.

Or more specifically, the mistakes of my past. That’s right, I was dwelling on the ways in which I have let a lot of people down over the years. I was dwelling on the foolish mistakes that I have made that have brought myself and others so much pain and misery, and that only God’s grace has been able to heal.
So what did this dwelling achieve? Well that’s the point. Apart from making me feel terrible, it achieved diddly squat. Absolutely nothing at all! It was after realising that it wasn’t helping that I thought I would write down what I know about dwelling on the past and why it really isn’t worth it.
At my church on Sunday evening we looked at one of my favourite psalms. It is psalm 103 and in it God declares these wonderful truths:

“For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.”

(Psalm 103 v11-12).

I remember first hearing this psalm preached on at word alive when I was stewarding on relay. The speaker pointed out just how good this news was, because the east can never meet the west!!! God has taken our sins (or transgressions) and removed them so far from us that we never have to see them again!!! As I am tempted to dwell on the mistakes of my past I need to remember that God’s opinion is the only one that counts, and that he has chosen to forgive my sin and not count it against me anymore, all because of Jesus.

Another thing I need to remember is the title of this blog: not to go fishing!!! Now to understand what I mean by this phrase we need to go to a book called Micah. I studied this with my housemate Beth and my staff worker Claudia on relay and it’s Claudia who told me these words that have stuck in my head: “God doesn’t go fishing.” To give it some context, Micah is a prophet giving judgement on Israel, mainly because they keep turning their backs on God and turning to idols to satisfy them instead. The book follows a pattern of judgment and hope and is well worth a read.

Here are the verses that my staffworker was referring to and which I constantly need to come back to; it is at the end of the book and shows how wonderfully kind God is:

“Who is a God like you,
who pardons sin and forgives the transgression
of the remnant of his inheritance?
You do not stay angry forever
but delight to show mercy.
You will again have compassion on us;
you will tread our sins underfoot
and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.”

(Micah 7v18-19).

Did you catch the promise in verse 19? God promises to tread our sins underfoot and hurl our iniquities (another way of saying sins) into the sea. And that’s where they will stay. Claudia’s point was this: God has hurled our sins into the sea. It’s done and finished. And God doesn’t go fishing for them. Therefore neither should we! As I said earlier; dwelling on the past does no good. Well actually that’s not entirely true. It depends on how you dwell.

A few years ago I read a commentary on Ruth by john piper and it was very good. In it he talked about thinking about the past and whether we could or should think about it. His point was this: only dwell on the past if it brings glory to God. By this he means that only if I can look at my sin, run to the cross and dwell there, praising God for his mercy and forgiveness, is it worth dwelling on the past. Dwelling just to feel guilty or bad serves no purpose, dwelling on the cross in order to delight in Jesus; now that’s worth doing.

As many people will know one of my favourite films is frozen. I love it for many reasons but one is for the song: “let it go.” It works well in both French and English and my point is this: in it Elsa sings these words:

“I’m never going back; the past is in the past.”

Now I’m sure the song writers didn’t realise they were being so theologically sound with this statement but it’s one I need to remember. The past is in the past. It’s gone, finished, dealt with. If I feel I’ve missed opportunities to be a better friend/daughter/ granddaughter/cousin/ nanny/teacher, then I need to ask for God and other people’s forgiveness, then take them at their word and move on, leaving the past where it should be: in the past. So there we are, a note to myself and hopefully an encouragement to you all, my dear readers: don’t go fishing.

Until next time,
Helen.

A little bit about me

So this post may come as a surprise to some of you, but I know that I have some blog readers that I’ve never actually met in person and I wanted to give them a little bit more information about me! Plus even if you think you know me well, you still might be a bit surprised! So here goes…

My full name is Helen Catherine Burns. I was named Helen after my grandma (my dad’s mum), Catherine after my dad’s aunt (I think!). I hate the name Helen Burns without Catherine in it because she is a pious girl who dies in Jane Eyre. (Having said that, Jane Eyre is a great book and you should still read it, even if it is weird to read about yourself dying). Hence why my name on Facebook is my full name and why my email address is just my first two names. I’m welsh, despite having English parents and I will spend my life arguing this point. I’m at that weird in between age of 27 and I still don’t quite know what I’m doing with my life. Some days this freaks me out some days, I don’t care. I’ve got one sister, Fiona. She’s currently travelling the world. She’s five and a half years younger than me but it never feels like a big age gap. I love languages- I did French and Italian for my degree and I currently live in Paris, and I’m trying to keep up my Italian as well as learn Spanish. I’m a Christian and have been for 9 years. (There will be a blog post on my conversion story at some point soon!). I love: running, baking, cooking (though I have a very sweet tooth so baking comes first), going for coffee, cups of tea, sleep, football, rugby, Quantock (my summer camp), laughing so hard I cry and spending lots of time with my saviour. Despite being a loud extrovert ( the words “drama” and “queen” have often been used to describe me), I sometimes need time alone to recharge and to spend time with God (though I mostly get my energy from spending time with other people). I don’t read books, I devour them (I tend to read at a rate of 100 pages/hour). I love writing and receiving letters as it helps you see into peoples’ hearts and souls and nothing says “I love you” more than someone taking the time to write (emails don’t have the same effect).
I love travelling and I love moving about. This year is the first time I’ve stayed in the same place for more than a year and already it feels odd. I spend most Saturday afternoons listening to five live and following the ups and downs of Liverpool (who I’ve supported since I was 13), Swansea (now the only welsh team in the premiership) and Cardiff (my local club). I love the six nations and do plan my social life around the games from February- March every year. My favourite thing about Paris is my church and if I could go every day, I would.
I hate: cows (a childhood experience has traumatised me for life), marmite, war, terrorism, dictators, ukip, the front national, the mess that our world is in, the fact that you always lose just one sock every time you wash your clothes, depression, fatigue, mental illnesses and the misunderstanding behind them, lamb, steak, lemon cakes that don’t taste like lemon (John Lewis you are a guilty culprit here!), the fact that I constantly miss my family and friends and that I can’t clone myself in two. Well ideally three. One person for Paris, one for Wales, and one to travel the world.

I’ve had depression for 11 years and I’m mostly ok with it now even though it’s been very scary at times. I also have mild fatigue meaning I need to sleep a lot. (8 hours is my minimum and when I function on less I get very grumpy). I’m a prayer warrior and nothing makes me happier than when people ask me to pray for them. I’m prone to worry and anxiety and often need to talk and talk and talk some more to make sense of everything that is going on in my little brain and in the world around me (thankfully lots of my closest friends are happy to indulge me). I wasn’t popular at all at school and only have a handful of friends from that time, yet I have been blessed greatly since then with friends from both unis and all my other walks of life, to the extent that I can’t really keep up with them all (massive apologies if this is you!). I love being busy and struggle to take time out, but I’m learning to cherish it. Whether it’s going on long runs or spending time in prayer and in the Bible, I’m trying to prioritise time with God more.

I’m single and have been for ages. I don’t think that either being single or married is better than the other- each is a gift and each has its challenges. I would love to get married and have children one day and often it’s been very hard to see friends do this yet I do know that God is working out his plan perfectly in my life. I would love to be a writer, I wanted to be one when I was 8 (just like Enid Blyton) and I used to think this was a very un reachable dream but now that a couple of my friends are published authors, who knows?! For now I will just stick to writing my blog.

My favourite film is 10 things I hate about you and I watched it constantly when I was a child (though frozen is starting to rival it). I also love stardust, inception, mamma Mia (it’s the film I watch when I’m ill meaning I’ve seen it 14 times), some like it hot, love actually and a whole host of other films. I hate watching films with blood and violence and gore in and I refuse point blank to watch scary films. I’ve only got one life on this earth, why would I waste my time watching films that terrify me?!

My music tastes are incredibly odd. I love Einaudi and Taylor swift. I adore the Beatles and abba always makes me think of my dad. I love lecrae. I can’t stand punk rock music that swears too much and makes no sense and I get really annoyed when song writers can’t think of what to write and go “la la la la la la la l”… Yes Kylie, I’m talking to you.

I love the queen and I genuinely think seeing her in Paris was one of the best days of my life. Kate Middleton is my style icon and I love the royal family!

I will genuinely shed a tear if Scotland leaves the uk next week. I love my Scottish heritage but I also love that it’s a part of the United Kingdom. I would also cry if Wales ever became independent too.

One final thing that not too many know: at weddings… I hate ceilidhs. Sorry to all of you who have had them. It’s not your fault and it does depend a lot on the band but if you go to a wedding as a single person who knows very feel people it is really incredibly awkward.

So there you are, a little insight into what makes me tick!

Until next time, Helen

The fault in our stars (spoiler alert)

On Saturday I went to the cinema nearest to me to see “the fault in our stars.” (At the moment my local cinema has a September cinema offer so it only cost me €5.90 which is a dream). I had read the book, twice, over the summer and I was curious to see whether the film was any good. Whilst the book is much better as books usually are, the film was quite good and managed to make me weep and weep, much like the book had done. I’ve recommended the book to everyone I know so if you haven’t read it, stop reading this blog and go read it now as I’m about to spoil it for you. You have been warned.
So “the fault in our stars” is a story of young love with a twist. Much like Romeo and Juliet, the two main characters’ love is doomed from the start. But not because they’re from different families or different parts of town. No, their love is doomed because of cancer. Both are cancer survivors, though as Hazel (the female protagonist) explains, she is a ticking timebomb, a grenade waiting to explode as she keeps fighting cancer with lungs that suck at being lungs. Her love, Gus, is himself clear of cancer having had it a few years earlier. The story is of how they fast become best friends and fall in love. The thing that keeps the story going is the theme of hope: throughout Hazel’s life we see glimmers of hope and the reader becomes persuaded that what will probably happen is that Hazel will keep battling cancer and that Gus will be beside her until the end of her days, however long that might be.
But that isn’t how it goes (and here comes the spoiler so if you don’t look away now then you only have yourself to blame).
Gus and Hazel get the great opportunity to go to Amsterdam after Hazel has had another scare and been rushed into hospital. It’s there that Gus makes his announcement and the twist in the plot happens. Gus has learnt that the cancer that went away has come back and not just in a treatable dosage. No, in his words, on the PET scan he “lit up like a Christmas tree.” As he says this to Hazel she cries and it is there that I started to feel my eyes welling up too as the realisation of what would happen dawned on me. And sure enough Gus does die before Hazel and it gets very emotional.
There are a couple of points that really stood out for me in this book though besides the pretty good storyline. It is beautifully written and really authentic. As someone who has watched a grandad die from cancer I know how messy it can be and the author never tries to pretend that it isn’t. There’s one particular scene when Gus drives to a garage and has to ring Hazel for help that always makes me choke up- it is the one last thing that he wants to do, to prove that he is still in control of his body and life to some extent. It’s also very honest. Hazel is very blunt throughout about the fact that she is dying, even snapping at her mum when she tells her to eat to stay healthy. When Gus tells her that his body is basically cancer her first response is “it’s so unfair.”
And I think this is why I love this story so much. Because the author recognises that cancer isn’t fair and he doesn’t try to pretend that it is. Hazel’s response is completely just and completely right: cancer isn’t fair. It isn’t how this world was meant to be and it sure doesn’t make any sense. I’ve known friends who are my age fight cancer and win, and friends’ parents battle and win, and I’ve also known friends who have lost their mums, dads, grandparents, children and best friends. In all these times I have taken great comfort from a few things: 1. That cancer wasn’t part of God’s perfect creation and shouldn’t be here, 2. That God cares. As the author says: “pain demands to be felt” and whether that’s weeping and wailing or silently sobbing or raging in anger at God, he hears it all and cares so much and 3. That cancer won’t be in the final perfect new creation. The reason why I could have hope despite the flood of tears that cascaded down my face at my grandad’s funeral was because I knew he knew Jesus. Meaning that he is in heaven and that when I see him again he will be cancer free and enjoying the new heavens and earth.
The book is also different because it never really asks the question:why? It’s kind of like the unspoken question if you like. Why are these two great kids destined to be together for such a short time? Why does a teenage girl have to learn the heartbreak of losing her boyfriend to cancer? At one point in the book they discuss their beliefs about what they think happens next. Hazel thinks nothing happens and Gus is convinced that something does, that there is some kind of a God. Of course the unspoken question in this dialogue is why? Why is there a God that’s letting this happen?
I’m the first to put my hand up and say:I don’t know. I have been a Christian almost 9 years now and while I do know a few things for sure, I do not know why some people get cancer and some people don’t. I don’t know why some of my friends still have all of their grandparents alive while I don’t. I don’t know why some of my friends are yet to attend a funeral whereas others have been to several. But I do know this: God is incredible, faithful and caring and he is in control, no matter what it looks like. I also know that it doesn’t matter how nice or how good or how kind you are. Some of the best people I know have had the worst health. Cancer doesn’t really distinguish between the people it chooses to attack based on their character. We live in a messed up world, because we messed it up by disobeying God and turning our backs on him, and sickness and disease and illness are some of the consequences of this. It’s only in the new creation that we will all have life as God intended it to be- life to the full, with no more sickness or illness or dying or pain, and no more tears. I for one cannot wait.

Until next time (go read the book!!!)

Helen

Are you ready for the rentrée?

Firstly if you are not French then let me explain. In England and Wales today the schools go back and I know that if you are a teacher/look after children/ parent then this is a big deal. In France however this doesn’t just affect those who have children. I’ve lost track of the number of the shops that have signs up saying they are closed for the holidays, and from early July-early September it is largely accepted that you will be en vacances. But this week is finally the start of the rentrée! The return to school! I for one cannot wait, I have missed my munchkins terribly over the last few weeks and I’m more than ready to compile my blog on kids say the funniest things part 3.

But I have a bit of other news: today I got a new job! As of Thursday I will be working in a nursery school looking after 16 two-three year olds. I have been warned by the head teacher that the first month will feel manic and that I might want to pull my hair out. So if you don’t hear from me for the whole of September, you now know why. Personally I’m looking forward to the challenge and feel way more prepared having looked after three children for a year (and yes I’m very aware that 3 is very different to 16). I will be working 8.30-2 every day apart from Wednesdays so I can keep working with my munchkins. So life is going to be busy. But as someone who tends to have too much excitement and energy to know what to do with it all, I think it will be fun. Who knows?! At least I will have two lots of children to quote from…

With the return of the rentrée there is also a big emphasis on being for and healthy. So next week I will be entering the Paris marathon (which takes place in April). Trying to train alongside tai jobs is going to make life very interesting…so please don’t be offended if I can’t socialise as much as I used to/look like I’m about to collapse in your presence. Both are very likely.

That’s all for now, I figured my blog was as good a place to make the announcement as any!

Until next time
Helen