As promised, this post is for the people I call “my heroes.” Those who have friends like me who are walking in the valley of despair and yet have chosen not to abandon them but to walk alongside them. Firstly, well done and I have massive respect for you. Secondly, I’m very aware that I’m writing from the perspective of someone with depression so don’t actually know what it’s like to have a friend who is depressed and not understand it. And thirdly, as I’ve said in the past two blog posts, depression is different for everyone. So whilst these are things that I’ve found helpful they may not be true for your friend. Without further ado, here are six things that you can do when you have a friend with depression:
1. Keep promises (or only make promises that you are prepared to keep).
The basic understanding of depression is that it’s an illness that alters your view of reality. So in a world that is uncertain, frightening and insecure, your depressed friend needs to know that they can trust you. It’s fine to make great promises but please only make them if you know you can keep them. I am ridiculously blessed with so many friends and I know there are ones I can turn to when I’m in the pit and I know there are others for whom it would be too much. If you say things like: “ring me any time, day or night…”…then you better be ready for your friend to take you up on that. If your depressed and potentially suicidal friend rings you at 4am and you don’t answer because come on it’s 4am and you’ve said you would…then I’m sorry but that depressed friend has every right to be angry at you. Depression isn’t a particularly sociable or kind illness, I rarely have panic attacks or crying fits in the day. Early hours of the morning are incredibly common and everything feels horrific in the darkness. I’m not saying you have to be free at 4am. I’m saying think through your promises carefully. We all know how hurtful it is when a friend breaks their promise and this depressed friend is already living in a completely broken and distorted reality. So maybe make small promises- like a phonecall once a week or a coffee once a month- and keep them.
2. Be prepared to be in it for the long haul.
It’s a sad and unfortunate truth that depression rarely lasts a day. Case in point: I’ve had it for 15 years. When friends have turned to me for help with other depressed friends I always want to say: you do know this could last years right? I know, it sucks. But all you have to do is just be a friend. I guess I’m just saying don’t expect miracles overnight and don’t be surprised if it takes a while. Even the best doctors and antidepressants take a whole to work and waiting lists for counsellors can be six months long!
3. Be prepared to be frustrated.
I cannot say this clearly or loudly or often enough: you cannot fix your friend. Depression is annoying because it’s so hard to work out what has caused it. Your friend will be frustrated and so will you. There are no quick fixes. I’m sorry. Also they may need to cancel plans. A lot. Please keep on including them and please don’t tell them how frustrated you are by them. Just let them know it’s ok to cancel and then actually be ok with it.
4. Be prepared to see your friend change.
And please try not to constantly remind them of the person they were before. In my case, without depression I am: bubbly, fairly optimistic, social and quite a lot of fun. With depression I am: tearful, moody, pessimistic, introverted and well, not a lot of fun. Depression zaps all my joy and I can go days on end without laughing or smiling. Now which person do you think I would rather be? Yes, the person without depression is correct. Your friend who has depression will change. Please try to be ok with that- it will help them not to feel like a total failure.
5. Speak truth to them.
Our version of the world is distorted and so is our view of ourselves. So on a depressed day I think of myself as a horrible monster with no friends and no future. I need my friends to step in and point me to my identity in Jesus and the bright future of heaven, because I can’t see it on my own.
6. Pray.
Pray with them, pray for them. They might be really struggling to pray as their thoughts are so scattered. This is one of the most powerful things you can do.
For other advice, may I recommend these links:
http://acertainbrightness.blogspot.co.uk/2015/07/bite-sized-advice-for-friends-of.html?m=1
I hope this has helped you. To all my friends who have stood beside me- I love you and I can never say thank you enough. Thank you.
Until next time
Helen
fightingforjoy 